you just do

" And then I cried a flood of tears as if I really were a mermaid who had absorbed too much sea into herself. The tears spilled like a balm, like a potion, like a charm. In them swam a little girl whose father was dying without ever having seen her. In them swam a girl whose mother’s magic – the only thing the girl envied more than anything else in the world, the thing that had made her invisible, the most precious thing –might be dying too. In them swam a green-haired girl who had never been touched by the boy to whom she was so devoted that she would have lived with him forever in a shack by the sea or a ruined sand castle even if he never made love to her. My tears were for me, but they were also for him. They were to wash away the thing that had frightened him so much so long ago. The wound inside his thigh. My tears poured out of me and he drank them down his throat. He drank them in gulps deep into himself, swallowing sorrow.

"Someday,” he said, “when we are ready, I will give you back your tears." "

- flb

procrastination

silver lining

my life is beautiful, otherwise. i take my new puppy for walks and runs and bike rides. i eat too much yogurt and am recently obsessed with witch's brew. we're in the midst of an incredible indian summer. i'm getting along with my family. i'm going to cozumel to scuba dive in a few weeks and portland this weekend. on top of all that, i'm hoping to bust outta here next semester for australia.

so really, life ain't bad. school just makes me feel that way.

over it all.

i feel worn down already. this week has been hard. i just feel tired and lackluster. and confession: i haven't gone to ballet in 3 weeks. which is very telling of my mood, considering i love to dance.

i'm irritated and aggravated with myself, but too ashamed and depressed and demotivated to do anything about it.

that's the thing- i just don't give enough of a shit. that scares me.

instead i make excuses and lies to cover my tracks and still manage my way through school. it's stressful, shameful, and grating. and yet somehow, that still isn't enough to get me to cut it out and step it up.

i'm just not meant for this.

i wish i didn't waste so much time, but i do. and that's a matter of fact.

excusesexcusesexcuses.