it's always been too long.

my life is really pretty wonderful. even though i'm poorer than i've ever been and miss my friends and family more than usual, it's pretty wonderful. more updates soon.

it's official:

my medications have now exceeded a full gallon size freezer storage ziploc bag. the overflow bottles are stored in a tidy sandwich bag. it's nice to think someday i'll be able to downsize back to the smaller ziploc. ahhhhh simple pleasures.

i can't imagine doing this without insurance. the most recent addition to my personal pharmacy was $3,ooo for a 30 day supply. and that was with my mom's insurance. thank the lord for my dad's, which worked it down to a mere $40. hot damn. health sure is pricey.

some would say i have a way with laughter.

slc baybeeee

i'm moving to salt lake city in liiiiiike 6 weeks! gaaaaaah! sadkfjhnsa kduhfszuh!

i am so excited, i'm surprised it's not illegal. maybe my ecstatic-ism just isn't on the gov's radar yet.

i got a 92 on my forensics anthropology final!

i know this isn't really a big deal, but in my small pocket of reality, it is. sure double amputees can climb everest, but i am not that magnificent. thus, the simple things like getting to class have been a big feat for me this past semester.

but hey... let's be honest; it always has been . :)

heaven

these are going to be the first things that i make and masterfully masticate once i'm better. they wrap together so many things i've been deprived of: alcohol, sugar, chocolate, flour.... yum.

Chocolate buttercream cupcakes with flaming strawberries

Salutations, Sunday!

we all love them.

Mark Ryden

Vihao Pham

Andrea Wan

amen sister.

i've been neglecting my blog, as usual. but that's okay. i've been out and about instead, which is something i am ecstatic about being able to say. !!!

utah. i went to utah. it was a real dream. i had a wonderful time catching up with friends and making new ones. swimming around town. floating on the good vibes that travelling, heartfelt folks, mountains majesty, and that much needed reminder taste of all the light my future holds give me. and good health! to good health!

i've been feeling much much MUCH better. tonight i actually went for a RUN. and not just to the fridge.

so, i've come to some conclusions. utah has so many fantastic things to offer me at the moment. thus, hopefully if my body has recovered i'll be moving out there come july. i am so overjoyed, i'm an outright idiot.

in the meantime i feel like i'm finally actively making the most of my time here, at home.

amen sister.

yesterday was 84 degrees

the ice has finally cracked and thawed, and with it my soul. i feel so good! we all take for granted our good health, and i'm just trying to look at these past few months as a forced reawakening and realization of this. i want to make the most of every moment. and just because i'm not out gallivanting the globe doesn't mean i'm not living my life to the fullest- another hard lesson for me to learn. for the past few years i've been really struggling with this. i feel more like myself, more passionate, and more alive when i'm abroad then i do when i'm just hanging around the house. who doesn't? but that doesn't mean i'm any less alive when i'm at home. so i shouldn't be living like i am. only looking forward to the trips and travels and bypassing the space in between. that space is my life. learning to live in the present moment is especially hard when you don't like what you see.

i wish i could say that i made the most of my down time since january. but i didn't. i had the best intentions, but my body and mind where exhausted and depressed. healing is a difficult thing. but i don't regret my lack of awareness and motivation. even though my eyes were shut tight through the whole ordeal, i made it through, and that's the important thing. sometimes living in the present is just too much, and instead you shut down just to survive.

now spring is here. i wake up feeling rested and i have a deeper love and appreciation for all things. i need to hold onto this.

summer comes next.

night night.

i'm always starting over. shedding my skin.

:it's been a long time. winter really dragged me down- far enough for me to pull away from even jotting my disjointed thoughts down in my blog. but today, the sun is making a heavy go at peering out behind the gauzy aftermath of winter clouds. damn you troposphere- i need mah vitamin d. even so, i'm feeling better today.

:so, to catch up i am supposed to be in italy right about now. i wonder what i'd be doing today... eating gelato by the bucket load. wandering around the adorabley quaint medieval cobblestone alleys. taking a field trip to the cliffside shores of the adriatic with my painting class. ohhhh the possibilities. but everything happens for a reason and i did have my doubts about the trip, most definitely. i was in a real rush to get out of michigan, didn't really plan at all, and wasn't so sure about the program i was entering into. even so, i wasn't betting on an infectious disease to interrupt my hasty plans, let alone two.

:apparently, my lyme came back. or rather it probably never went away to begin with. the doctor's aren't quite sure. but their concern this time was babesiosis... another oh-so lovely tick-borne illness. annnd i have candida in my intestines. it's been a blast. i'm running my own pharmacy now, by the by. and i think i may actually be part vampire due to lack of sun exposure and fresh air. on the plus side, hopefully my symptoms will be no longer after this is all said and done. no more tummy aches, no more panic attacks, no more head aches, no more constant exhaustion, no more unexplained rushes of depression. only time and rays of positivity like streaming sunlight will tell.

:it's been rough. the treatments aren't easy and i've had to give up a lot. the stress of not knowing whether or not they were working has been even worse. so it's been a real challenge trying to remain positive. but when challenge isn't a choice, but more of a necessity, you buck up and get shit done.

:june 1st and i should be done with my treatments. which means booze, caffeine, smoking (should the mood strikes), simple carbs, sugars, and travel travel travel for me. and cupcakes. holy god, do i miss cupcakes. not to mention a life outside my bedroom, which has been sorely lacking since the new year.

:i'm gonna try really hard to keep this thing updated. my therapist said i have to start giving myself a space for visual inspiration. i'm gonna start collaging the hell out of my bedroom walls with dreamy pictures that motivate and invigorate this languid soul, as well as post on this here blog. she said i need to start mentally envisioning a positive, happy, cheery future for myself, in place of the dark, bleak, blank hole my mind immediately produces when the word 'future' is mentioned. so for starters i give you, my dear internet, bibio.

large library books.

i just want someone to tell me they love me while they simultaneously have this video playing over them by way of projector.

at least check out the keyboardist at 0:53 and the chorus at 1:08.

i don't ask for much in this life. i reeeeeally don't. :)

snow dreams

http://8tracks.com/iamtinybones/winter-is-coming

the past two days i have done almost absolutely nothing. i say almost because i feel as though constantly consuming vitamin c, zinc, echinacea tea (among an assortment of other beverages pumped with health), deliciously nutritious foods, sleeping, and only breathing properly humidified air, all fall under the category of doing something. i'm determined to beat this cold before it has the best of me. i will not let thanksgiving be a bust.

at the same time, i'm battling the ever-wicked winter blues. it always comes a bit early for me. so yesterday and today i've given a real try in shedding my depression, whilst getting rid of this cold. two birds with one stone, if you will. a lavender candle, a bath, a set of clean bed linens, a clean room, and a parks and rec marathon later and i pretty much feel the same. i'm sick of feeling like a lifeless lame-ass all the time.

didn't help i had a snow dream last night, that only reminded me of an attributing factor to my clusterfuck of a mind. i never really put much faith into dream interpretation dictionaries since i feel it's all about personal perception. but just out of curiosity i looked up snow-

Psychological Meaning: Snow can indicate frozen emotions but can also symbolise transformation and purification. Clean pure snow can represent a fresh start. Melting snow can indicate that obstacles and fears are dissolving whereas an avalanche of snow can indicate that you fear being overwhelmed by emotions that have been held in check for too long. Are you ‘cold’ and lacking warmth?

Mystical Meaning: To dream of watching falling snow indicates that a letter will arrive shortly. Some superstitions claim it will be from the person you will marry. The truth is that most oracles consider this dream to be one of good luck.

wtf?

note to self- never feel any sort of hope for something as impossible as an awkward long distance relationship ever again. the fact that i can't seem to get over it makes it that much worse. on the plus side, soon enough i'll be in macerata, where it rarely snows. so, eat that discouraging dream interpretation. eat that.

run run run away.

48 days

48 days

1153 hours

69212 minutes

4152750 seconds

it feels so far away.

just gotta keep on keepin on.

deer season.

today i had to drive all the way to school with some asshole who had strapped two does to the back of his explorer. one had it's face rigored toward me with it's tongue lolled out and old blood at it's neck where the bullet wound was. the kill shot.

it's funny. i grew up climbing the trees my family would use to hang and gut the deer from. and now here i am, eating seitan and tofu. i don't mind the hunting, really i don't. i still train the dogs for pointing birds and trim the branches around the tree-strands, so as not to interfere with a clean shot when the moment is right. but there's something sweet about does that just shouldn't be violated.

and today, driving behind those poor dead mothers stacked on the back of a car, being treated as though they were worthless, all i could think of was this:

i spose if there's anything positive to say, i could say thank you LG Optimus commercial for allowing this sweet sweet melody to hitch a ride in my eardrums for the past few days. let it resonate with the red wine in my blood and with the outside murmurs of raindrops.

Sylvia Ji

i've constructed a new personal goal for myself= expand my artistic horizons. i love art, yet i don't know too much about who's out there playing the game right now. so, goal: read and research. find new inspirations and motivations. work i admire. starting with ... Sylvia Ji! a friend of mine recently posted quite a few photos of Sylvia Ji's pieces on facebook. so many gorgeous things! they're all so vibrant and powerful- buzzing even- and stand to contrast all the more with her figure's calaca inspired themes. my fascination with gawky fiesta-flavored skeletons continues! the red and black one right above is my favorite though. it makes me wish i had antlers.

job!

i love my job. i get paid to hang out with funtastic kiddos. we play yahtzee and eat lasagna and they share things like this with me. AWESOME.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1852440586.html

girl on a motorcycle

i just wish i had a motorcycle. that way, i could be just like this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEOwybriej4

hahaha.